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Sunday, 05 September 2010

The Reason God Exists

...must be because people fail people. When there is no one left to turn to, there is God. That's what I was taught. Now it's like a last resort. Listening to a voice that isn't speaking is what I'm forced to do. When I ask you all for advice. When things are REALLY hard and I ask for advice, if it turns out you aren't sure what to say, you just don't even say anything. You leave me hanging for days and weeks hoping I'll just settle it myself or forget about it. You lie later saying I can come to you with any problem or make excuses like "I didn't know what to say." So you just left me or gave me half-assed replies? If you don't know what to say, say it right away. Don't just ignore me. If you don't have something good to say, just tell me that. Don't give me half-assed, cliche, abstract responses.

What I'm always stuck at is why I always try. No one has ever come to me with a situation that I couldn't put myself in their shoes and give them an honest, thought out reply of what I would do. I've never ignored someone. So, are my problems just bigger or do people care about me less?

and "just pray about it" is a glossed over answer.

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Lately, I really do hate people in general, as a whole and in particular.

Friday, 03 September 2010

The Things I Do For Love

Every now and then, we fight. Every now and then, you say things that I wonder if you mean.
You told me that you wish I was taller because you feel like you're dating a little kid. So, here I am buying new shoes...wedges, heels, platforms. Making sure I'm just tall enough to stop bothering you. The shoes are nice and pretty, but part of me is sad buying them.

It kind of doesn't make sense that you told me not to change myself for a guy. But the things you say you don't like are the things I couldn't change even though I wanted to. I can't wear these kind of shoes everyday. I'll cripple myself.

Were you just finding excuses to break up with me?

Are you afraid of me?

I think you're afraid I'll judge you.

It was a while ago now that you said those things, but since you never took it back, it keeps sticking in my head.

Everyone's words stick in my head.

Everyone, I kind of hate you.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Infected!

SO I have a UTI again and I'm pretty sure my mom knows I've been having sex with Liang. Before I left she said "you might want to ask about a pap smear or anything else just to take advantage of your appointment." Now she's going to schedule my "well women's exam." So, i'm pretty sure she just doesn't want to ask. Don't ask, don't tell.

Okay so a lot of people told me I probably didn't have a UTI and shouldn't freak out. The lesson I've learned is that I have to listen to my body and just go see a doctor when I think I'm sick instead of asking people. I think I've been infected for a while and the symptoms just got better and worse. The other day was WAY worse. I went to wash dishes and all of a sudden i just PEED MY PANTS. It was awful and scary. I had no control. I didnt even get a "I have to pee" signal so of course I didn't make it to the toilet in time. I felt like a child. BUT it's okay now. I have giant pills to swallow twice a day with lots of water to hopefully get rid of it for good.

I'm pretty certain it's from condoms. I'm thinking of getting Nuva Ring and Spermicide. I don't want to have to use condoms all the time, but I want double protection. I'm afraid I can't remember to take the pill everyday. But, we'll see.

i'm home for a week getting fat, but once I go back to Chicago, it's back to business! better skin, better body, better hair!!!

Tuesday, 08 June 2010

Realization

I've become more dramatic I think. I wonder if it's true that you become like the people around you most. My life lately has been surrounded by drama. I'm sorry, but I can never take you back as a friend. Also, I don't like the way you're treating the friends you have left. If that's the way you're going to be, I will encourage them not to forgive you every time. Don't expect people to change for you. You change for them. The pain you caused me still continues. You associated yourself with something that goes beyond you and so healing that wound will take more time then I think we will even have together.

I think I have a problem with friendship. Everyone has a friend that they are close to. I don't. There is no one I can call up and expect to want to hang out with only me. There is no one that I can expect to listen well to me, besides one person who I often cannot find. I think I'm naturally a loner, but not purposely. I want to change and I'm going to.

So as usual, I'll make a list of improvements I want to make in my life:

1 Fix my skin! I have already started. 3 days without make up!!!!! I'll keep everyone posted on my progress. I know it will be a test of my self-esteem, but I know in the long run, I will not regret it. I drink a lot of water, but I don't have good nightly skin habits. I want to get rid of body scars too. I WILL develop better habits this year.

2 Whiter teeth! I ran out of bleach strips and to tell the truth I fall asleep reading every night forgetting to brush. This is not acceptable.

3 Following with better habits, I want to learn to go to bed everyday by midnight and wake up everyday before 8am. This will improve many things I think and make sure I do not waste my day.

4 I want to have better study habits. I improved a lot this year considering I never studied in high school, but I need to get it together and really show out from now on. It's not that I NEED to be the best or even need to do well to like get into grad school or something. I don't even want to go to grad school. But, just for me, I want to do my best and school to have that good feeling of working hard and getting back the reward of my hard work. That is satisfaction.

5 Gym Time! Okay I know I lost a lot of weight already and I'm very fine with that, but I really want to get more fit. Thinner with more endurance.

6 I want to choreograph a dance to a Big Bang song for next years RBIM performance. I have all summer to work it out. Just one of those, just one time I'd like to.....

7 I want to plan out the perfect room for myself to enjoy next year. I hope i will attract many guests =]

8 I want to learn to cook. :D

To be continued

I will strip away the posters and pack up this year into storage. I hope to reflect and grow over the summer. I will come back, open up the boxes and start again. Hopefully, there is a opportunity of tranquility waiting for me in the future. But, at least I have Liang. I won't depend on him too much, but I will love him and love his love for me.